Preview: The Book of Ratings

Soon to be published in an updated and annotated edition

In 2002, Three Rivers Press published The Book of Ratings: Opinions, Grades, and Assessments of Everything Worth Thinking About. The publishing rights having long since reverted to me, I’m converting it to an ebook.

The Ratings were part of the Brunching Shuttlecocks, a Web-based comedy magazine still mostly available at www.brunching.com, but I wrote a few that were exclusive to the book…until now! Below we have a Rating that I wrote while living in an apartment complex shortly after moving to North Carolina. Please to enjoy.

---

Rules for My Apartment Complex

Cars May Not Be Painted in Psychedelic Colors

This, I have to say, was a huge disappointment, given that I traditionally celebrate moving into each new apartment with a reenactment of the "Can You Picture That" number from The Muppet Movie, using my 1997 Toyota Corolla in lieu of a Studebaker. Thwarted in this, I am forced instead to stand atop it and sing "Never Before" in a Miss Piggy voice, and I don't see how that's going to make my neighbors any happier. C-

No Drinking in the Common Area

Looking around the apartment complex, I can only assume that I got a bad copy of the rental agreement and that the actual rule is "No drinking in the common area unless you have your shirt off." Or possibly, "No drinking in the common area, except for watery American beer, which frankly is so low in alcohol it can practically drive in some states." C

No Bottle or Cans in the Window

The rules thus far, taken as a whole, remind me of a high-strung upper-class woman desperately trying to cover up for her husband's alcoholism. "For God's sake, Henry, it's bad enough that you've turned yourself into a pathetic mockery of adulthood, but do you have to ruin my life, too? I'm not asking that much, dammit! Just keep your drinking inside, your stinking cans and bottles off the windowsill, and for Christ's sake, don't go on one of your benders and paint the car fluorescent pink again! Just do that for me and you can drink yourself to death for all I care!" C-

No Slamming of Refrigerator Doors

This comes well within the category of "things I had no interest in doing until they were forbidden to me." I've never been mad enough at the contents of my fridge to slam the door, although I once had some liverwurst that pissed me off pretty bad. And refrigerators have that puffy lining around the door that keeps them from slamming effectively, anyway. But now that I've been expressly told not to slam it, I feel put out and ready to take this one to the Supreme Court. D

No Snorkels in the Pool

I'm really perplexed by this one. Do they consider snorkels unsightly? Dangerous? Perverse? Does the property owner just refuse to believe that the word "snorkel" really exists? I suppose it could be to prevent people from slipping on snorkels left by the side of the pool and cracking their fool heads open, but there's no rule against, say, toy fire trucks. Weird. D+

Apartment Must Be Used Solely as a Dwelling Unit

I assume that by this they mean that it must be used only as a home and not as, say, the headquarters and production center for a Web-based comedy magazine. Once again I find myself living in the shadowy boundaries of a rental agreement, where right and wrong give way to questions of whether I'll get my deposit back. It's a hard life, but it's the life I've chosen. D-